Merry Christmas
2
We missed you.
Every year, at least the last 3, we have met my parents and Steve’s family for the Missouri City Holiday Parade. I just named it that, I am not sure what it is really called. It is not the best parade, but it is a tradition that I enjoy. We missed you guys this year. However, Alyssa did get all the candy, but only one Chilis coupon. We bundled up and sat on the curb of Cartwright to enjoy this experience. It was Alyssa’s first year to really enjoy it. She waved her “magic” wand to the kids in the parade and even accepted candy from the clowns. Her favorite was the kids in blue that did the stomping routine. Her least favorite was the bass drums banging as they walked passed us.
So we have the tree up, the house lights out and are getting ready for another Christmas. We had the girls from our First Family come over and decorate cookies this week. They had a good time, but no one seems to really enjoy this tradition but my brothers and I. I am struggling with the Santa concept. I have been thinking about not emphasizing Santa this year. I guess this is the first time she is asking all the questions and I feel like I am just making stuff up. Who am I kidding? I am making it up. We all did the Santa thing as kids too, but I want the emphasis of Christmas to be about Jesus. She has learned that we are celebrating his birthday, and I would like her to look forward to this time of year for that reason. Not because some make-believe, fat guy comes down the chimney to leave her presents. Plus the idea of this “guy” scares her anyway. I don’t want to tell her he is not real, but just not emphasize him. I don’t know…any thoughts?
Into the 2nd month
Megan, that is. We went for her check-up today and everything is good. She weighed 9 lbs 15.5 oz. So far her doctor has said how cute she is at every visit. Either she really means it, or she just tells everyone that. You can judge for yourself. She smiles a lot and if you know how to coo at her, she will coo back. It makes us smile. Especially when Alyssa gets in front of her and talks to her like I do. “Meeegan… hiiiii ” Most of the time Megan sits in her chair or on the floor while we go about the day. But don’t get me wrong, her grandmothers hold her plenty when they visit. She watches Baby Mozart and just likes to stare at her hands or toys. However, I am still surprised at how her changing table can make her smile. Even when she is fussy, if I lay her down to change her, she immediately looks up, towards the wall, and begins smiling. You want my take? I have decided that that is where she sees her brother. It was his room after all. I think that is where she connects with Noah, and that is why she smiles. Good thought anyway, right?
With Thanksgiving over, we are preparing for Christmas. All of the Eller family was in town this weekend and it was nice to be together again. Ethan hung the lights outside and now he says it is my turn to do the inside. Well, he could probably care less, but when I asked him to help with the tree, he said, I did the outside you do the inside. Fair, I guess. So as soon as I get some time, I will unpack the 7 boxes sitting in my foyer.
November Update
Noah’s Garden
It is November already. Let’s see, what’s going on? Megan is doing a great job sleeping at night. That is a good thing since her sleep and my sanity are somehow connected. She looks around the room more and likes it when her big sister gets right in her face. Her favorite place is her changing table. Go figure? There is something on the wall that she looks at everytime. Alyssa has 1 soccer game left. She talkes about playing all week long, but “changes her mind” when she gets to the field. However, Ethan is doing a great job coaching the other kids. I keep hoping she will play and then I will post that video. If not, I will post the video of her not playing, it is funny too. We planted winter flowers in the front bed and in Noah’s. Not sure why you have to switch the flowers out since we don’t really have winter, but the others were dying. And Ethan has started his own garden to attract butterflies and birds. It is coming along good.
And here is new video of Megan though. Check out the video page.
Big Sister
Aren’t big sisters helpful? Alyssa wanted Megan to be able to sit up and watch her while we played today, so she made Megan her own “chair”. Alyssa found this basket, and got her own pillow and beloved blanket to make this cozy place for her sister. Surprisingly, Megan loved it and eventually fell asleep. We just needed a river to set her afloat like baby Moses.
Meow
Halloween #3 proved much more successful than the previous years. That is, if getting candy is your goal. We went to Trunk or Treat at church Sunday night, then did old school trick or treating with some friends on Tuesday night. I thought Megan needed to be dressed up too on Sunday, though no one really saw her. Probably a good thing since Daddy said she looked more like a lemur because of her huge ears. Hey! I tried. When she is 5 I didn’t want to have to tell her, “oh, honey, we didn’t dress you up that year.”
Alyssa did a great job going from car to car, asking people for treats. And even played one game. It is a big accomplishment for her. Tuesday, she went with 2 other little girls and they had a great time with their light-up sticks and flashlights.
To Megan
This first month has gone by so fast. I know everyone says that, but I cannot believe you have been here with us for 1 month already. I still look at you and wonder how you were made so perfectly. I look at your head and imagine how your brain is working and it makes me think of what Noah’s was doing compared to yours. Why was he born the way he was and you are so perfect? It makes me sad, but it makes me SO thankful. I can look at you and see so much of Alyssa in your facial expressions, and I look at my one good picture of Noah and imagine that you look like him too.
This month has been full of adjustments for all of us, but I think we are finally getting the hang of it. You are staying awake more during the day and less at night, thankfully. You enjoy your story time with Alyssa and like to hang out with Daddy on the couch. You are starting to look around at toys (when we remember to give you one) and are discovering your hands. You give me lots of cute smiles, but Daddy says they aren’t real. I still like them and pretend they are just for me. I am trying to get you to coo, but no luck yet. Thanks for bringing such joy to our house.
I will not forget you
Megan’s first trip to “Noah’s special place”
Noah has worked his way into every aspect of my life. There are few things that go on in my day that do not connect with him. Whether it is an object, a photo or his sisters, his memory is always there. I was surprised to realize that my pregnancy with Megan was consumed with Noah. The very fact that I was pregnant was a result of Noah. The anxiety of Megan’s health was a result of Noah. The doctor and hospital I chose were a result of Noah. Everything about those 10 months was because of Noah. So throughout those months, I was constantly reminded and thinking of him as it related to Megan. So where does that leave me now?
Thankful that Megan is healthy? Of course. Glad that she is here? Yes. Glad that I am not pregnant anymore? Not necessarily. Since the pregnancy had so much to do with Noah, the absence of being pregnant feels like the absence of Noah. The unknown of the pregnancy allowed me to stay connected to Noah and to his death. And I guess without that I am learning how to live without him again. Learning how to let him go again. This pain that I feel reminds me how special he was to me and how much I loved him. We miss you, Noah, and miss what life would be like if you were here.
Three year olds have their own way of dealing and expressing grief. After some conversations about Noah recently here is what Alyssa acted out for my mom the other night: Like any child in her situation, she was acting out that she was pregnant. She stuffed an animal in her shirt and climbed up in bed, telling Nana that she was going to have the baby. When her baby was born, she told Nana that he was sick. That only God could make him feel better, so he had to go to heaven. So she took this “baby” to Megan’s room and said she was taking him to heaven. Then she returned to her room pregnant with another baby. She went through the same actions and when this baby was born, she was healthy. She told Nana that she was able to stay on earth with us and didn’t have to go to heaven.
It’s amazing what she understands about this situation. I love that she will never forget either.
3 weeks old
The Whole Crew
It doesn’t happen too often anymore, but when it does, it’s a blast. A whole day full of cousin fun. Steve and Jen and family came to meet Megan this past weekend. You may notice that she is not in many pics, but soon enough she will be let loose to play chase, be awed by Braden’s super-stacking, or take her turn at “bowling for cousins”. Either way she will learn to hold her own with the Eller cousins.