Goodbye to the quiet

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We took a drive last weekend into Dallas. Luckily, the girls were making their way from Houston so it was an enjoyable drive. Not much to see though since it was mostly interstate. We spent a few days with Blair and Nicole and then celebrated my Papa’s 90th birthday.

Oma joined us in the car on the way back to Memphis where we spent one night. We met with Alison and Ryan and visited the Memphis Zoo before we all headed to our house for the week. I came up with this brilliant plan, succumbing all of us to 100+ degree heat only to see the polar bear. The employees at the zoo were very lucky that the bear decided to make an appearance and swim around a bit for our enjoyment.

We played around the house for a few days with family. Alyssa would have hung on Ryan all week if he could have handled it. She would chase him around the house or constantly ask to play his Wii (or really just watch him). Then Ali and Alyssa did some painting.

Thanks to Oma, Ali and Ryan for taking to time to visit us and spend time with the girls.

In the Quiet

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It is quiet in the house today. We took a last minute visit to Houston this weekend and left the girls there. My parents will meet us in Dallas on Thursday for my grandfather’s 90th birthday. I usually find myself on the computer during quiet moments. This morning was no different. I began by doing some work I needed to finish for a client, moved on to blogs, and found myself watching Noah’s video. Have you seen it lately? I love to see his precious body. The video scans up and down him as he lay in his first NICU bed. We didn’t have any idea that something was really wrong on that day. But I love to see him breathe. I love to look at his little toes and his precious body. I guess that video is as close as I can get to him now. Lately, I have found myself more emotional than usual, pregnancy I guess. Like last night, I was crying – multiple times – at the movie, Definitely, Maybe. Then couldn’t control myself after a silly, ridiculous comment Ethan made that just seemed to hurt my feelings. So this morning, in the quietness, I find myself hurting again. Just a sadness for my loss maybe. Seeing the excitement in Alyssa at 23 months old to meet her brother and knowing now how she misses him too. Without really understanding what she is missing, she just knows there is pain with Noah. Honestly, finding out that this baby was a girl really dug deep in me. Apparently, my motherly intuitions aren’t that good and I thought she was a boy. I had hoped she was a boy. I had prayed for her to be a boy. No one wants to really admit these type of things, but whatever. Of course, Ethan and I would have loved the opportunity to just parent a son. To have a brother for our girls. But it goes beyond that. I think for me, I wanted Noah. That is some way, if this baby was a boy, I would feel closer to Noah. I would have the opportunity to use his bedding, to use his clothes. To let his memory live through his brother. Watching his video this morning, just reminds me thats it. There is no more to his story. I have felt very peaceful about our loss for the last few years. I can talk about Noah and read about him or letters from people without getting too stirred up. But it is still there. You move on, you continue to live, you continue to enjoy life and other blessings. But I am continually reminded that the pain is not gone. As a matter of fact, it feels as it is still right under the surface. I am thankful this morning for my quiet time. I am thankful for opportunities like this to spend with my memories. I am thankful that God knows more than me and find comfort in the following:

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

I hold tight to this. That God has a plan for us. I don’t know why his plan was different than mine, but it says “not to harm you”. And the fact that I have hope and a future with God is enough for me right now.

21 weeks…I think

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Look at that adorable little girl, she has got her thumb almost in her mouth. It is the cutest thing I have seen. Of course, I will break her of the habit if she still thinks she wants to suck on it when she is born. Nobody needs another 5 year old sucking on extremities. (Note: Alyssa did finally stop sucking her fingers at night right before her 5th birthday.) I went back today for an ultrasound to measure the growth of baby sister. Everything is still looking good and healthy. She was so active that the tech was having a hard time. Which made me feel good, because I have felt her very little in the last few weeks. It seemed with the others, I felt movement sooner. But the tech told me the placenta is near the top and is acting as a cushion between me and her right now. As she gets bigger, she will probably drive me crazy with all that movement.

So according to the last ultrasound, she has grown just fine. But measured against the due date, she is 1-2 weeks behind in size. My doc changed the due date early on from 11-19 to 11-14, but we probably should have stuck with the first which was given from 2 early measurements. Either way, she is fine, but it complicates things when you try to induce at 39 weeks. We can worry about that later. For now our baby sister is healthy and kickin’.

Crepe paper bleeds

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That was our lesson of the day. It was our first 4th of July parade and we (or just I) were excited. Amanda and I spent the day before decorating the wagon for Megan and Mallory to ride in. We had hats, outfits, flags, and even a bubble machine. Alyssa and I wrapped crepe paper around her bike and she was ready as well. I could not help but remember my parades as a child in Quail Valley. I may have only done it one year, I don’t know, but it just goes with the 4th of July to me. And today I was looking forward to starting this tradition with our girls. We lined up, took a few photos, and then the rain came. And it wasn’t just a light drizzle. Megan decided she did not want to ride in her decked out wagon, so poor Mallory sat there alone, soaking wet. And since the rain was so bad, we couldn’t get the cameras out to actually document the wet adventure. Amanda sure had a good attitude about the whole event and just kept smiling through the rain. I on the other hand, was a little disappointed that my first parade was not what I intended. God has a funny way of continuing to remind me that even these things are not what is important. It looks like it will clear up for the day and we will have a cookout with our neighbors and then take in some fireworks. Happy 4th to all of my friends.

Painted Ladies

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For Alyssa’s birthday we bought her a Butterfly Pavilion. We sent in our coupon and received 10 Painted Lady caterpillars. Lucky for me my mom was here when we started this process and helped walk me through it. While the process is amazing to watch it is also a little gross. We made a calendar and noted every time we saw a change in the caterpillar. When they emerged, we kept the butterflies in the net for a few days then decided they would like their remaining 8-10 days of life better outside. This evening we enjoyed reaching in for each butterfly and holding it for a minute before it flew away. Megan yelled at hers when it flew away. We also had a couple who decided their life was short so they better get started with their sole purpose. These two butterflies did not come apart or fly away, so we placed them on a flower out front. 2 hours later, I checked and they are still there together. How sweet. See more

Visitors

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Ice cream in the evening


Making Papa smile

We have had lots of fun around our house over the last two weeks. My mom and niece, Blakely, were here for a week and my dad joined at the end. The girls had a great time together, and I just enjoyed having one of my girls occupied 24 hours a day by someone other than me. Alyssa and Blakely would disappear into her room for hours at a time. They would come back dressed alike in some way pretending some random game. They were even able to sleep in the same room all week. Usually we have to move one of them, but they finally figured out how to be quiet. They were up before anyone else in the morning quietly playing in their room.We all drove to Chattanooga on Saturday for the Acquarium and then they headed out Monday.

Tuesday, Kedra and her kids joined us for several days. Managing four kids is difficult enough, so we didn’t ventured out of the house much…or did we at all? But we had fun just being together. We could not get Lauren and Megan to be friends. They just walked right by each other and refused to take a picture for us. Kedra and I are 6 months apart and have known each other since about that age. Our girls are 7 months apart and will be friends whether they like it or not! Thank you for making the effort to see us. It is not easy to be away from home with young kids for very long and I welcome your visits anytime; crying, disobeying, sassing, vomit and all.


Are they actually playing?


Our walks for some peace and quiet


The best we could do as a group


Mommy-made outfits

Hope

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18 weeks

It is rare that I don’t know how to start a post. Usually, I am classifying events by blog worthy or not. I am thinking of what I will actually say before I even sit down. This past week has been different. While I wanted to post this last week, something held me back. But today, I am here to share. Last Wednesday, I received a call from my doctor that revealed some disappointing news about my recent quad-screen test. In simplest terms, I had a 1 in 30 chance of carrying a baby with Down Syndrome. I didn’t know exactly how they come to that number, but that didn’t matter. The fact was that my hope in a healthy baby was shattered. And it didn’t matter what happened in the days to come, everything had changed. You can only walk the naive path that your baby is healthy for so long. We were scheduled for an ultrasound that was to get a better look at the baby and give a better idea of what we were facing. That ultrasound was today. We had 5 days to struggle with the unknown. 5 days to wonder “why?” 5 days to question God. 5 days to be mad. 5 days to worry. And we also had 5 days to cast our burdens to the Lord. 5 days to share the fears with friends and family. 5 days to trust. 5 days to hope.

I went into the appointment today believing this: “Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. ” – Romans 5: 3-5

The more I read this, the more I truly believed it. My sufferings, past and present, have produced hope. Therefore, I guess they produced perseverance and character along the way. All that was keeping us going this weekend was hope that this baby would be healthy. And if we received news that the opposite was true, we would have hope that God could heal. And if God chose to not heal, we would have hope that we would cope and we would survive. Hope does not disappoint.

After sharing our sufferings of last week, I can now share the joy of the Lord. I can shout it as best as possible through the internet that God is good. That God hears the cries of his children. The ultrasound today revealed only good news. It showed a healthy baby girl that measures right on track and shows no sign of Down Syndrome. That’s right a girl! The doctor reduced our risks to 1 in 90, but in his 25 years experience thinks that is still too high. We are scheduled for ultrasounds every three weeks to check her progress and make sure nothing appears in the future, but we are satisfied tonight. We feel the peace of God resting on our shoulders — holding our hands, saying, “I will take care of you.”

Chuck E Cheese

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I regret to say that when your children get older, they begin to have their own opinions. It has started with us from clothes, to color of bow, to where she wants her birthday. I had to eventually let my control issues go and give her the party that she wanted. And I am so glad I did, she had a blast. And of course, having cousin Blakely here helped. My mom and Blakely arrived yesterday and they have been inseparable ever since. Today we had a great time celebrating her birthday with family, some old friends and I am so happy to say some new friends. I told my mom today that she was going to be impressed at how many friends we have made. Thank you all for coming and making this day special for Alyssa. Party pics

Her cake at home on the 4th

“I love Tennessee”

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I hear those words from my husband at least once a week. Usually relating to the weather or the scenery. Today we went to Percy Warner Park in Brentwood to enjoy some nature. They have a really good nature center displaying the birds and wildlife that can be seen in the park. We saw everything from a baby skunk to snake skins. There are several trails to follow and we choose one of the shorter ones so we wouldn’t end up carrying two kids back. The girls had fun just wandering the path, seeing wild strawberries, spotting chipmunks, squirrels and birds. We stopped and threw about 15 dozen rocks into a creek and enjoyed a picnic in the Tennessee breeze. I think that is when I heard, “I love Tennessee.”

The other thing Ethan loves here is that his patience for birds has finally paid off. After staking out his bluebird box for months, keeping it free from sparrows, we finally had a bluebird couple move in, make a nest and lay eggs. Though Ethan found one of the tiny blue eggs on the ground with a hole in it [stupid sparrow], mama bluebird is still guarding the other eggs. You can see her flying back in the bluebird box after I scared her out of it. She didn’t go far, but watched her eggs from our fort waiting to return.

Then with no help from us, robins made a nest on our front porch. It is great, because we can watch them from my office window without bothering them. Here are a few shots from in the house, then I decided to go outside.

I was able to get a good look at the four babies, and mama sat nearby watching. Then I think she had enough. I don’t know that she was really coming for me, but it was enough to scare me back inside. I guess her plan worked.