It is quiet in the house today. We took a last minute visit to Houston this weekend and left the girls there. My parents will meet us in Dallas on Thursday for my grandfather’s 90th birthday. I usually find myself on the computer during quiet moments. This morning was no different. I began by doing some work I needed to finish for a client, moved on to blogs, and found myself watching Noah’s video. Have you seen it lately? I love to see his precious body. The video scans up and down him as he lay in his first NICU bed. We didn’t have any idea that something was really wrong on that day. But I love to see him breathe. I love to look at his little toes and his precious body. I guess that video is as close as I can get to him now. Lately, I have found myself more emotional than usual, pregnancy I guess. Like last night, I was crying – multiple times – at the movie, Definitely, Maybe. Then couldn’t control myself after a silly, ridiculous comment Ethan made that just seemed to hurt my feelings. So this morning, in the quietness, I find myself hurting again. Just a sadness for my loss maybe. Seeing the excitement in Alyssa at 23 months old to meet her brother and knowing now how she misses him too. Without really understanding what she is missing, she just knows there is pain with Noah. Honestly, finding out that this baby was a girl really dug deep in me. Apparently, my motherly intuitions aren’t that good and I thought she was a boy. I had hoped she was a boy. I had prayed for her to be a boy. No one wants to really admit these type of things, but whatever. Of course, Ethan and I would have loved the opportunity to just parent a son. To have a brother for our girls. But it goes beyond that. I think for me, I wanted Noah. That is some way, if this baby was a boy, I would feel closer to Noah. I would have the opportunity to use his bedding, to use his clothes. To let his memory live through his brother. Watching his video this morning, just reminds me thats it. There is no more to his story. I have felt very peaceful about our loss for the last few years. I can talk about Noah and read about him or letters from people without getting too stirred up. But it is still there. You move on, you continue to live, you continue to enjoy life and other blessings. But I am continually reminded that the pain is not gone. As a matter of fact, it feels as it is still right under the surface. I am thankful this morning for my quiet time. I am thankful for opportunities like this to spend with my memories. I am thankful that God knows more than me and find comfort in the following:
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
I hold tight to this. That God has a plan for us. I don’t know why his plan was different than mine, but it says “not to harm you”. And the fact that I have hope and a future with God is enough for me right now.
“I think for me, I wanted Noah.”
Julie, that’s incredibly insightful and I’m guessing it wasn’t easy to type. Furthermore, I’m guessing it wasn’t easy to share that with this online community but I’m glad you did. Your vulnerability in those words helps us know you better. Thanks for sharing.
I wish I had just the right words that would lessen your pain in some small way. Some things just can’t be put into words. He was so truly beautiful, Julie. How could you not want him? I loved watching the video again, even through tears. You have walked this road with so much faith and grace and been an encouragement to so many others, including me, through your pain. I’m so thankful for you and Noah. And I don’t think his story will ever be finished. He lives on in the hearts of everyone who loves him, who have been changed by your story. Praying you will find renewed peace and comfort in the quiet moments.
It’s funny how quiet moments can bring up things that you never expect… things you thought you’d worked through. What I have learned is, that you aren’t alone in those quiet moments. He is right there, right beside you. He knows your pain, and He holds you close. That doesn’t make the hurt and disappointment go away, but it makes it manageable. I praise God for you Julie… you are a light in a dark world. Thanks for sharing your huge heart!
We send a balloon up for him everytime we have one. I think of you often and how strong and beautiful your spirit is! There are not quick quips, or stories that can take your pain away or give you his sweet little body back to hold. But I want you to know that his story lives on in our house, and the story of his mother and her faith lives on in me everyday because you are such a beautiful example of trust in God and faith in Him. I know there was a huge piece of you that wanted a boy for all the reasons you mentioned, but something so special to me is that nothing or no one can take the place of that little boy. You are the mother of a boy- forever and his sisters will grow up knowing faith, love, hope and healing because of you and your example to them. Thank you for sharing your heart. You are in my prayers today.
How difficult it is to understand why God’s will doesn’t always align with ours! It seems so simple – you’d hoped for a son – so why has God seen fit to bless you with another daughter instead? I had hoped you’d have a boy – and I bet most other people who know you and your story felt the exact same way. How odd that what seems to make perfect sense to us was apparently wrong. Only God knows what you truly need, and He has decided that what you need now is a girl. This makes me think of my parents – at the age of 40 they probably never had the thought: “what we need right now is another baby!” And yet, surprise, here I am. My mom has told me numerous times that she thought a baby was the last thing in the world she needed. But she quickly realized that a baby – contrary to what she initially thought – was exactly what she needed. I have no idea why that is, but it’s what she feels and knows to be true. Perhaps one day soon you’ll have that same clarity.
Julie…I’ve only known you a few years now. I came in to yours and Ethan’s life after Noah’s time on this earth. Your heart is great with love and it is evident in these times. Thank you for sharing with us all. I feel closer to you and Ethan in sharing your pain. We lift you up to our heavenly father.
Say hello to Alyssa and Megan for me. Tell them Jeff and Mel Mel think of them often. All our love!
For me, one of the hardest things to do is accept God’s plans for my life….I’m all about setting my own agenda and keeping in line with it. I can’t begin to imagine all of the feelings that get stirred up when you think of your little boy, but I appreciate your willingness to share how you are getting through this life God has laid out for you. He is using you when you do that. Thank you for your honesty.
Julie thank you for sharing your thoughts, I will pray for the peace that transcends all understanding, for you and your family.
WOW!! I definitely can’t explain the emotions that I feel after reading your post. Now atually being a Mommy all of 3 days, it really touched my heart to read and think about everything you said. Your faith always has been and still is an inspiration for me, and I’m glad that God put you in my life (even if you live in another state far away). Thank you for sharing your feelings and the two verses at the end because they really hit home for me.