Author Archives: Julie

To Megan

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This first month has gone by so fast. I know everyone says that, but I cannot believe you have been here with us for 1 month already. I still look at you and wonder how you were made so perfectly. I look at your head and imagine how your brain is working and it makes me think of what Noah’s was doing compared to yours. Why was he born the way he was and you are so perfect? It makes me sad, but it makes me SO thankful. I can look at you and see so much of Alyssa in your facial expressions, and I look at my one good picture of Noah and imagine that you look like him too.

This month has been full of adjustments for all of us, but I think we are finally getting the hang of it. You are staying awake more during the day and less at night, thankfully. You enjoy your story time with Alyssa and like to hang out with Daddy on the couch. You are starting to look around at toys (when we remember to give you one) and are discovering your hands. You give me lots of cute smiles, but Daddy says they aren’t real. I still like them and pretend they are just for me. I am trying to get you to coo, but no luck yet. Thanks for bringing such joy to our house.

I will not forget you

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Megan’s first trip to “Noah’s special place”

Noah has worked his way into every aspect of my life. There are few things that go on in my day that do not connect with him. Whether it is an object, a photo or his sisters, his memory is always there. I was surprised to realize that my pregnancy with Megan was consumed with Noah. The very fact that I was pregnant was a result of Noah. The anxiety of Megan’s health was a result of Noah. The doctor and hospital I chose were a result of Noah. Everything about those 10 months was because of Noah. So throughout those months, I was constantly reminded and thinking of him as it related to Megan. So where does that leave me now?

Thankful that Megan is healthy? Of course. Glad that she is here? Yes. Glad that I am not pregnant anymore? Not necessarily. Since the pregnancy had so much to do with Noah, the absence of being pregnant feels like the absence of Noah. The unknown of the pregnancy allowed me to stay connected to Noah and to his death. And I guess without that I am learning how to live without him again. Learning how to let him go again. This pain that I feel reminds me how special he was to me and how much I loved him. We miss you, Noah, and miss what life would be like if you were here.

Three year olds have their own way of dealing and expressing grief. After some conversations about Noah recently here is what Alyssa acted out for my mom the other night: Like any child in her situation, she was acting out that she was pregnant. She stuffed an animal in her shirt and climbed up in bed, telling Nana that she was going to have the baby. When her baby was born, she told Nana that he was sick. That only God could make him feel better, so he had to go to heaven. So she took this “baby” to Megan’s room and said she was taking him to heaven. Then she returned to her room pregnant with another baby. She went through the same actions and when this baby was born, she was healthy. She told Nana that she was able to stay on earth with us and didn’t have to go to heaven.

It’s amazing what she understands about this situation. I love that she will never forget either.

The Whole Crew

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It doesn’t happen too often anymore, but when it does, it’s a blast. A whole day full of cousin fun. Steve and Jen and family came to meet Megan this past weekend. You may notice that she is not in many pics, but soon enough she will be let loose to play chase, be awed by Braden’s super-stacking, or take her turn at “bowling for cousins”. Either way she will learn to hold her own with the Eller cousins.

Alyssa’s First Soccer Game

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They look cute all lined up don’t they? While Coach Ethan introduced himself to all the kids, his own daughter was standing in an ant bed. She was doing really well listening and standing still. Then I start to notice her scratching her legs, jumping up and down. Finally I figured out what was going on. Quickly wrestled Megan out of her new sling, gave her to Oma, and began peeling soccer accessories off Alyssa. Luckily they didn’t get her too many times, but the incident was enough to keep her in my lap for the entire first game. We will try again next week. I did manage to get some cute photos of her before the attack of the ants.

Week 1

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New video

Well, we are not quite at a week yet but we have had enough go on in the last 6 days to blog about week 1. I think we are finally getting settled in. It is amazing how much you forget about having a baby. Ethan and I would ask each other questions like “is she eating enough?” to “is her poop supposed to look like that?” Our general answer has been “I don’t remember.” But we think she is fine. She likes to sleep more than Alyssa did, I do remember that. Today while “trying” to take Megan and Alyssa’s picture, Megan was awake and wide-eyed for almost an hour. Most of the day she eats, then sleeps. And by the way, it was Alyssa not cooperating with picture-taking.

Overall I think Alyssa has done good. She seems to be a bit more whiney and is pushing the limits, but has still remained her sweet, silly self. Her and daddy went to the zoo and Chick-fil-A yesterday. It is easy when their desires are so simple.

That’s all for day 6.

We are home

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After a good 3 days at the hospital, we were all ready to come home. We made it through the first night and lazy Sunday afternoon. Okay not really lazy. Do you know how many people want to come see her. Like she is a miracle. Who are we kidding? She IS our miracle.

So far Megan just likes to sleep. I have a hard time waking her to even eat. Everyone says enjoy it while it lasts. I guess you really forget how little and tired they are. Currently, she is in Oma’s lap and Alyssa is asleep. We are all doing well.

Progressing, slowly…

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Julie started the cervix medication last night and is responding slowly. This shouldn’t be a surprise as we are two weeks early. Everything is going fine but this will take longer than anticipated. I just have to keep Julie entertained for next several hours. I’ll let you know how it is going later today. – Ethan

Lungs are mature!

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Julie and I received the results we wanted to hear. The lungs are mature and the doctor will start the induction tonight. We’ll keep you posted on things are progessing. Look for the next update tomorrow. – Ethan

Looking forward to tomorrow

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It is Tuesday. I am enjoying my last day of peace and quiet. Ok, well, Alyssa is napping so it is quiet. I don’t know I would go as far to say as I was enjoying it, like with my feet up on the couch watching Notting Hill. Wrapping up some work for clients, making sure bills are paid, last minute cleaning and now just some folding of laundry left.

We have been covered in prayer lately, and tonight we will close out with our First Family. It is wonderful to have so many people understand what this week means to us. So many people who are thinking and praying about our daughter. I am sure that the family is a mess, but let me speak for Ethan and I and say that we are truly at peace. With a few concerned moments, literally moments, this pregnancy has been very peaceful despite the circumstances. I let my mind go sometimes and wonder what would happen if Megan is not born healhty, but it is not long before I am pulled back to a trust in God that really has sustained me. I think being able to trust God throughout the last 19 months with my grief has built this trust that I now completely rely on. There is nothing that I can do. There is nothing that even my wonderful doctor can do. Megan’s life is in God’s hands. And as much as I love my doctor, that truth is more wonderful than if her life was in the best medical hands.

Alyssa and I have been on count down since 6 weeks ago. When I would tell her it is only 5 weeks now, she would say, “no, six.” I don’t think she understood that going down was better. We are all looking forward to tomorrow and Thursday. We are looking forward to meeting Megan and seeing God’s love face to face.

Here is the schedule one more time: Ethan and I check in at 12:15 for the 1:00 amnio tomorrow. If the results come back that Megan’s lungs are ready, we will start cervadil Wed night, then pitocin Thursday. We are trying to make sure we have some sort of internet connection so we can update the blog and as soon as we can, we will update everyone. We sincerly thank you for your love, your concern and your prayers over this pregnancy. May God be glorified through the birth and life of our Megan Elizabeth.